It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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