Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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