saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
even my farts smell like vagina
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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