If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
