Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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