I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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