You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
