I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
