I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
