I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
