So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
