I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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