Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
