I like my sex mixed with concussions.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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