my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Boobs are out for the taking
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
