YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
