I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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