I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
