the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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