I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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