You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
