I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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