when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
