I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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