She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
