Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
