when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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