I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
