grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so much tequila, so little girl.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
