I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I need to stop coming to work sober
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
