I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
