Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
