can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
