I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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