Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
