dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
