If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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