I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
