my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
