so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
