You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
