Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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