So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
