But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
