You just made me feel so damn special
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
