I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
did i just pee glitter
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
