Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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