I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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