But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
