Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
